New Mexico? Naw. New Me.

Anyone remember that time I accepted a job in New Mexico, planned my whole move, and then had my contract revoked? Yeah, me too. Had my condo lease ready to sign and Air B&B’s ready to book for my 3 day haul when the fateful news came through. I guess that’s part of this whole travel thing; circumstances can change in an instant and there’s nothing I can do about it.

So here I sit on a Sunday, looking up licensure stuff and available jobs. Weekends are tough because it’s two days in a row that I don’t hear from my recruiters. Tomorrow is Monday, which means the calls will come rolling in and I’ll have another week full of emotions, self pep-talks, and heavy decision making. Through it all, I know that I am fortunate to pick up my life at the drop of a hat and move wherever– those are the perks of having no husband, no children, and a job that is needed in every single state.

So, like, what have you been doing this whole month?

I have stopped trying to control the direction that this job is taking me while not ignoring my intuitive spirit. What’s meant to be mine will be and what’s not will slip through my grasp. This time off while waiting for the right job has allowed me to really focus inward and focus on my health, which come to find out, I had been neglecting for awhile. The irony is that as I write this, I am hopped up on so much sinus and allergy medicine it’s unreal (I blame my compromised immune system on my increased time at the germ-infested gym and from the emotional stress of this whole New Mexico b.s.).

As of today, I haven’t had a cigarette in 27 days. Shocking right? How sad that keeping a running log of days without a cigarette is something that someone in healthcare has to do to hold herself accountable. Someone who has spent the last however many years of her life preaching health and blah blah blah, I go to the gym, I eat this, when I was only fooling myself into thinking that I would only smoke when I would drink. This was the case at first until somehow things started spinning out of control. In reality, the whole thing is not sad at all; it’s me being completely honest about the vice that had kept its grip on me for too long.

Bad day? Cig. Celebrate a good day? Cig. Glass of wine? Cig. What in the hell was I doing?

I wouldn’t say that I was addicted to cigarettes, but I would definitely say that it was a crutch for me. It’s extremely important for me to be transparent with myself about this whole crutch situation as I head into a job that is going to put me in a vulnerable and lonely position where I won’t have my family or friends around; a situation where I might succumb to things that offer me comfort in a time of trial. So I keep the day counter on my phone and think of all the progress I have made regaining my cardiovascular endurance in only a month.

In addition to the cigarettes, I have only had three, maybe four alcoholic drinks since the beginning of the year. I have been out to dinner and living in a house with people that drink socially for the last month and I haven’t felt the urge or want to drink this whole time. I want to thank my sister, Dom, Davis, and Cassie for being supportive of my efforts during this time and never pressuring me into any of the things that I am trying to stay away from. You guys are the best and I love you all. I also want to thank my family and friends for making sure that I stick to my guns… even when the call comes through that your travel job is a no-go and you want a drink and drag real bad.

I’ve been in the gym about 5-6 days a week and doing a solid mix of mindful yet tracked eating. I’m not counting macros but I am increasingly aware of what and when I’m eating. One of my goals for 2019 was to not keep a full length mirror in my room, but to rely solely on how I feel instead of what the mirror shows me. I know that my body composition is changing and more importantly, I know that how I perceive myself in terms of self fulfillment is changing even more.

I have often times asked myself what in the hell I’ve been doing for the past month while I haven’t been working and then I remember: I have been working… working on myself. I think that we are conditioned to work ourselves to the bone and put our own health on the back-burner. We forget that we can’t care for others if we ourselves are not cared for.
I might not have a job placement yet, but how lucky am I to have had time to totally pour into myself and regain a sense of healthy being? A lot of people never have the opportunity before it’s too late.

Friends, keep the prayers and thoughtful, kind wishes coming my way for a job that is meant for me and also that I am able to uphold the progress that I have made in the past month. Vulnerability is never truly comfortable, thank you for reading my story without judgement.