I would be lying if I said this past month in particular has been easy because it hasn’t. At times, it has freakin’ sucked. Other moments have had me so overjoyed that I’ve burst into tears. Most of the moments have made me cringe so hard I swear my teeth were going to shatter and my brain was going to explode from the stupidity that I have witnessed going on around me (with some self stupidity mixed in, I can’t lie). But if I have ever noticed a change in myself, it is now.
Something funny happens when you decide to pick yourself up by the bootstraps. I see a therapist once a week and no, I am not embarrassed to say that in the least. He says to me the other day, “Something’s different about you.” Sure is, Randy. “I feel like I have this radiation coming from me, like I’m powerful for the first time in my life.” Bingo. I now have an aura. Sound crazy? Work on creating one for yourself and then we’ll see who the crazy one is! I’m not joking either, dead serious. But the following is an explanation of what my aura is all about.
The things that I have learned about myself over the past 3 months are things I wish I would have known years ago. I’d have to say that the best tool that I have in my toolbox now is the ability to maintain my own peace by being true to myself in the face of virtually anything. Having peace yourself means watching everything around you be catapulted into adjusting to fit YOU. Crazy concept but stick with me. I have spent much of my life trying to please everyone else. Bending over backwards to protect, earn approval, maintain a certain reputation. Yeah, eff that. The only person you’re fooling is yourself. So instead of trying to wear all these different hats, you choose one. I started choosing one. Once you are true to yourself, the world starts to form around you as opposed to you trying to mold yourself for the world. Like a pebble thrown into the water; the water must adjust, ripples form, and before long all is calm again.
You wanna hit my parked vehicle in the parking structure of the Fox Theatre on a beautiful Sunday with my friends? Go ahead. Wanna deny my financial aid? Go for it. Throw me in the middle of your problems? Why not. Take advantage of my kindness? Sure. Did I side swipe another vehicle this week? Yep, guilty. Through all of it, I am just fine. My reaction is now a reflection of how I’m feeling about myself. It’s all going to be okay because I’m finally okay. And instead of asking God what I’m going to do with each of these situations, I find myself asking God what He is going to do. Big shift in thinking that makes a world of difference.
Did I verbally assault the man that hit my Jeep? Okay, I maybe I just schooled him on moral and parenting but most certainly not. Am I going to be able to pay for school? Probably. Come to find out, I have other options available. Am I stuck in the middle of the problems between people that I’m close with? Hell no. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Do I judge the people that have done me wrong? Nope, I don’t have time for that kind of attachment (it’s nothing to cut you off and do so with peace in my heart, just saying) And finally, did the woman that I hit this past Friday cuss me out for hitting her? She didn’t and was far more gracious than I deserved… or did I? I reacted to all of these other things with poise and a sense of calm. And because I put that into the universe, it came back to me. To that woman, thank you for your kindness. I’m sorry for creating this headache at the holidays but please know that your compassion towards me did not go unnoticed.
How did I get so lucky to go through all of these things and still smile at the end of the day? Couldn’t tell you but I have a feeling that God is working overtime in my life currently. So much that Satan is trying his hardest to steer me away. The good news? I am okay because I am at peace within myself. Nothing can mess that up anymore, nothing. So get to adjusting, world. This little pebble is shaking things up. Ripples, on ripples, on ripples.
Just Jena Elizabeth 